Being REALISTIC is important

For a period of time I thought that finding “ the one” was important to me without realizing that I am “ the one” that was missing the entire time.

I remember loosing my mom in 2014 feeling completely lost at a tender age, finding a roller coaster of what I thought was love, in 2015 loosing a major platonic relationship, my father getting sentenced 25-40 years in prison,my twin flame moving in 2017 half way across the country, shortly after being joined by two new individuals who not only did I share my home but opened my heart , we shared a traditional un breakable bond, from home invasions & robberies,I think the final straw was 2019 when I lost my cousin to a senseless act of gun violence. That’s when I knew I had to start choosing myself.

Throughout the years I’ve endured a numerous amount of tribulations, everything from death, betrayal, doing strange things for some change, evictions to even loosing myself along those rocky roads to recreational drugs.

This piece isn’t a sob story of all the trials and tribulations I’ve endured. I want this to be a think piece for you. A part of what helped me heal was therapy, cliché? Combined with a book I was gifted “ why forgive” written by Johann Christopher Arnold. I dibbled in and out of therapy throughout the years but admitting to my sibling & my inner circle that I had a inner sadness that wouldn’t go away helped them navigate there ways with me tremendously. When you come from where I’m from it is almost seen as “normal” to be defensive, work with no rest and to always have to keep it “pushing”. No one ever talks about the load that is too heavy to carry.

I started to look at the positive things in my life, this took 7 years to be exact. I realized that I had a reason to want to be alive and that reason was me. I wrote down my goals no matter how big or small and I voiced them as a form of manifesting. Dealing with death non-violent and violent seemed to be a pattern in my family, I left the decision to the almighty power that guides us. I realized that I could not control what was destined to happen wether it came through god or through someone malicious carnivores desires. I forgave myself.. I realized that although I couldn’t cure cancer or that I didn’t pull the trigger , I did not force him to do “ what he had to do for him family” I was holding myself accountable for situations that I did not contribute too;

I did not choose these things these situations simply just happened to me. Once I was able to separate the two and identify the real GUILT I started to heal, but healing doesn’t come without pain. When you have an open wound if you pour alcohol in it to disinfect it.. it’s going to burn, then little by little your skin heals itself. Admitting to myself where I could’ve done better but acknowledging that it is human nature to make errors helped me nurse my wounds.

I cried, I still cry. I take my time, I recognize that everyone has pain, no matter how big or small they seem in my eyes everyone is entitled to how they feel. I began a “self love” journey perhaps different than your average journey I started to lean on people for help, I cut off my hair, I ended a relationship in order to start one with myself and I allowed myself grace.

Do you ever wonder what is happiness? How do you fill voids that you did not choose to empty? How do you move forward while simultaneously fight against depression, oppression and regular life circumstances?

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