Let’s start from the beginning..

A girl’s relationship with her mother takes a critical role in modeling healthy friendships with other women… I didn’t make this one up, it’s proven. It is not impossible to disassociate from the idea of what a relationship or friendship should look like. Just as fathers create daddy issues, SURPRISE mothers create… You guessed it mommy issues!

We tend to reject that idea. hmm… interesting.

Chances are if you don’t like your mother you would hate to be compared to her. Becoming your mother does not always reflect on your style of parenting, it can show up in relationships of all types. You might think that being direct is “keeping it real” BUT you didn’t consider the delivery becauseeee neither did your mom. Not being able to verbalize your feelings is the counterpart, you weren’t heard as a young girl and now you refuse to hear others.

“Creating your own ideas and choices is portrayed as an act of rebellion in many minority households. Especially as a girl.”

“Have dinner ready, prepare yourself, prepare the children, minimize all noise, be happy to see him, listen to him, make the evening his”, here is what young women learned at school in the 1950’s in America

Conforming to societal norms seems to be an unwritten rule in our community FOR WOMEN. Our mothers, aunts, and grandmothers have passed on the stigma of what a perfect lady should be, instead of allowing us to embrace the woman that we are becoming. The 50s was an era of conformity in which we had strict gender roles… we are in the 4th quarter of 2023, unlearn what you were taught.

There is nothing wrong with being codependent, independent polyamorist, or monogamous. We tend to think that they can’t co-exist, when 1 or 2 in a group live a different lifestyle, we automatically clutch our pearls.

The truth is not everyone wants a white picket fence, kids, and a dog. Some of us want to own businesses, run blogs and live life with no expectations. That does not make us less of a woman, just like having a child doesn’t automatically make you a mother… (see what I did there)

Women are masters of creating expectations and scenarios with little to no accountability. That’s right, I said it we make shit up in our heads. Everything is a personal fucking attack, no one can go through shit without it having to be about you, right Susie ?…

Don’t show up how you want to, show up how you are needed.

EMPHASIS on HOW your friend needs you, not what you think your friend needs. Now this is also misconstrued to being a “yes” friend but let me break it down .. we are adults, we will make the decision that suits us best. Attempt to offer support without projecting.

“How would I be projecting by giving advice?” STOP giving advice based on what YOU would do and acknowledge your friend for the individual that they are.

It is fine if your friend doesn’t accept your support. Not everyone is moving at the same pace. Your girlfriends should feel like family. Know your friend, stop pretending that communication is not as important with your girls as it is with your other loved ones because that simply ain’t the case. 

I believe in protecting our energy not allowing others to consume us. By all means, protect your peace. You and your friend do not live the same life, perhaps they had less/more opportunities than you did but if that’s your friend put them on. A lot of the times  there is this hidden animosity between women , there is zero room for error and when it comes to grudges… bitches hold on the most. Once again I ain’t saying to stay friends with someone who is toxic, I am saying to not be so harsh on your friend.

I’ve always believed that what we give out is simply because we want to, not because we expect anything in return.

 Your friend might be untruthful to paint an image of the life they want to live… sis is manifesting… or lying either way it’s not personal maybe your friend is simply living in the “fairytale” mentally which btw is a common trauma response. I fell victim to it as well.

The Role Of Woman In Fairy Tales And Its Impact On The Child Development

The fairytale mentality is that to be a perfect lady, you must be well-kept, married, and have a pot of gold. With modern fairytales developing we are seeing the narrative being pushed that a girl is not just her looks or the man she weds, the girl is whoever she wants to be. In many instance women will stay in a unhappy environment if they are financially codependent, afraid to leave, emotionally attached to the past, and worse of all for the kids.

At times we see friendships diminish not because you “put your man” first, it’s  because you forgot to check into the village while building your own. The misconception of a happy ending being just your man and the kids is played out. Your immediate family should always be a priority in hindsight we all need a break and who do we turn to? Our girls. 

In my culture, it is common to ignore mental illnesses. Many women are taught that how we present ourselves is even more important that the qualities we hold. Therefore making it impossible to be amongst each other when we going through a mental breakdown. Women of color suffer disproportionally from adversities which can lead to depression, anxiety, and PTSD. It is not always as simple as saying you’re depressed, depression shows up differently when you grow up as a minority, many times it’s left untreated it’ll show up as anger, bitterness and most times result in isolation. We are less likely to seek treatment due to the stigma that it carries within our culture, when we do it is usually mistreated or ignored as I stated in my previous article “Save the Flowers” .

I literally recall when I was having my Brittney moment, I had friends to turn too. Thankfully I’ve always had my sisters, bestfriends to confide in. The best example of friendship I received was from my sister.

For a while I despised social media, people really think they know what’s going on with you from a story you post. Instagram is not the only way you should see your friend or determine how they are doing, reach out.

We walk around asking to be treated gently, as we are in our “soft girl” era but fail to treat each other with that kindness.

We have very low moments in which we feel embarrassed to say out loud. A failed marriage, being the baby momma ,shit dealing with the baby momma, having a bad day at work, being mentally unavailable , forgetting a birthday, forgetting to send a simple text, YIKES dealing with the wife, it all weighs heavy on us. To say that we should be more compassionate seems like an understatement.

Still the main culprits pointing fingers are women.

Living in your truth is often frowned upon from women that feel stuck. Instead of embracing that our lives are different a lot of women pass judgement to what they wish they could accomplish, freedom . At your lowest or highest make sure to give out the vibration you would like to receive otherwise you’ll be stuck with the sad bitches & that is no way too live.

The Onlyfans era has shed light on how women judge one another. Baby if it ain’t yo coochie why are you so bothered? For months I listened to women speak poorly regarding these content creators… baby, your man is subscribing.

Women should feel comfortable doing whatever they please, as should men. 

It’s important to recognize who we surround ourselves with and allow people to grow, learn, and develop at their own pace. You’re not always going to agree with your homegirl and you can not change a grown-ass woman, yes we can share perspectives, and yes we can be honest but do we always have to be brutal?

One thing for sure is that as a woman you should take your time to love yourself, be confident in yourself and truly get to know yourself . Bring out the side of you that is not ashamed of being vulnerable, make it easier to build a bond with you. If you are constantly on defense mode, perhaps consider taking a journal and being completely transparent. As women we are held to so many expectations, I think it is time we loosen those thoughts and only conform to what truly makes us happy.

Meet your girlfriend where she’s at. Friendships aren’t always 50/50 because we  don’t  always 100.

I’d like to leave you with this quote as there is still a lot left to breakdown when it comes to friendships..

“When women get scared, we start to rationalize and discount our truth.’” Sandra wood