It’s 3 am and I can’t sleep. Did I ruin it? What are people going to think of me? Did I work out enough this week? I missed a deadline last week. Is this skirt too short for this event? Are they going to like me when I walk in? Don’t smile too much, don’t have a RBF either.

I was on the phone with my homegirl when she said something that stopped me mid convo,

“Why can’t I have the same humanness as you?”

Chile… that question sat with me for hours. Because when you really think about it are women ever allowed that?

As a woman, what is expected of us in society?

When I think of myself as a woman, I often wonder do I fall short?

“Be more ladylike.” “Be modest.” Failed relationships, no kids, I drink beer like my uncle, I work extremely hard and I’m obsessively career driven. Does that mean I can’t be in partnership with someone? Does that make me more masculine?

After all, we all carry testosterone. Women produce it too just in smaller amounts than men. Hormones don’t determine ambition, leadership, or softness, yet society loves to frame drive and independence as “masculine” traits.

I think of Lady London’s interview where she said people love the idea of her.

And that stuck with me. You can be everything and nothing at the same time.

Then I think about the platonic conversation buzzing all over the internet. I’ve always been happy about having guy friends. If you’re a man that can’t have women friends, perhaps take a deep dive into where you place discipline in your life and whether you’re objectifying women.

My homeboy once looked at me and said, “Stop charging everyone’s battery while yours is dead.”

That line stayed with me. Because if I’m honest, that’s what a lot of women are taught to do. Be the emotional support. Be the listener. Be the problem solver. Be the one who understands. Be the one who forgives.

We become the place people come to recharge.

But who checks on the outlet?

I wonder about the lack of empathy. Does it come from home? Does it come from a lack of knowledge? Does it come from ego?DOES IT COME FROM YO MAMA?

I did some research and it  shows that men who maintain healthy platonic relationships with women often demonstrate stronger empathy and better collaboration skills. Imagine if that were encouraged more.

The duality conversation.

When it comes to work, I can do whatever it takes and that’s in every sense. I’ve never thought of women as inferior. Yet history and facts show that society still tries to categorize us. Women make up nearly half of the global workforce, yet globally they still earn about 20% less than men on average. In leadership spaces, women remain underrepresented. 

So the box is always there.

I have so much love and respect for the mothers around me not that womanhood equals motherhood. In fact, the idea that motherhood defines womanhood has been challenged for decades. A woman’s identity and value cannot be reduced to reproduction. Don’t have the babies for the sake of a relationship, because people say you’ll be old and lonely and ESPECIALLY don’t have that baby for a man.

Still, I sat and listened to my best friend juggle a career, the kids practice, cooking, a social life, and a romantic life. 

Shit, that must be exhausting. I was tired just hearing about it.

Statistics show women perform the majority of unpaid labor in households childcare, cooking, emotional care even when they work full time jobs. (This is not a 50/50 conversation) 

In New York City, more than 300,000 families are led by single mothers, women holding households together while navigating careers, childcare, and survival in one of the most expensive cities in the USA.

On the other hand, I watched a sister navigate partnership within her world. She’s a lesbian.

And I started thinking about how hard that must be, not in the physical sense, but in a world that already minimizes everything a woman does. Lesbians are often hypersexualized or reduced to fantasies rather than respected for the fullness of their relationships and identities.

Violence against women is already extremely high. But the CDC shows that lesbian and bisexual women report higher rates of sexual violence than heterosexual women often tied to discrimination, harassment, and corrective violence.

A “girls’ girl.”

Whew… now that’s another loaded statement.

I am not a woman with no friends. In fact, I have many different friends, a whole plethora, if you might ( applications are closed)

But I have walked into spaces where no grace is given, where we turn our backs on each other even while knowing the world is already kicking our ass.

Recently, I “overdid it.” Chile, try having a conversation with a man about empathy and grace one who only seems to seek those things for himself.

I thought about what mom would say and it’s been a while since she visited me in my dreams but I’m almost sure she would say “Chacha that’s always been you”

As a woman, sometimes it feels like I’m not even entitled to a bad fucking night. Like the world expects you to hold it together no matter what. There’s no coddling me. No soft place to land. No one asking to hear about my day.

Except my homegirls.

The women in my life are the only ones who say, “tell me what happened”.

Especially when I’m spiraling. They know it’s not a personal attack. The only ones who sit with you in the mess of it. No judgment, no performance, just presence.

And it made me realize something, so many women move through the world carrying everyone else’s emotions while quietly swallowing their own. Sometimes all we want is the same grace we’re expected to give.

And it brought me back to my friend’s question.

Why can’t women simply have the same humanness?

And it clicked to me. We’re supernatural beings. THATS RIGHT BITCHESSSS.

We bring life into this world by choice. We nurture. We are the anchors in chaos, the invisible laborers, the keepers of hope. We create, we heal, we hold and still, the world asks us to be small, quiet, and “ladylike.” Yuck.

We carry more than we are asked to, give more than we are expected to, and love harder than we are recognized for. And yet, we persist. We rise. We are super human and that, in itself, is revolutionary.

Just maybe that’s the real conversation about womanhood.

We’re aliens, bitches.