Have you ever watched a Disney princess movie and wondered where the fuck is your Prince Charming?

I lived my entire life over Fantasizing in regards to marriage, kids and a white picket fence. Mind you I live in the Bronx do we even move like that?! Being in a relationship and catering to someone was always a huge goal of mine.. crazy right? My goal was to submit to someone completely, I wanted to cook, take care of our kids, be best friends and grow old together… my favorite movie growing up was the little mermaid & that’s relevant how?

She lived in a place she didn’t want to be in, so when her prince came she sacrificed her voice to be by his side.. YIKES. Its clipped for my kids, my daughter is watching Mulan, Beyoncé’s homecoming and Snapped. In that order..

Ignoring the red flags started earlier on in my life. We often talk about red flags when it comes to men but what we fail to realize is that we should set boundaries with everyone we encounter, there is such thing as toxic relationships that are platonic.

Growing up in a urban community we glorify drinking and being under the influence 24/7. Our fun nights were often consumed by loud music, hookah, liquor & , weed thus it leaves very little room for conversation. When you come from a community like mine we often don’t talk about trauma and healing..

As stated in many of my previous post 2014 was a tough year for me I experienced substance abuse, grief at 18 and loosing my companionship . May of 2015 was even rougher when I experienced someone in which I wholeheartedly trusted being my aggressor. One of the theories is that if you’re a woman and you get “drunk” you asked for it, if you’re a woman ; you misbehaved he was correct and you should forgive him because he will never do it again. MY FAVIORTE QUESTION was ” well what did you do to him?”. Boy, fuck your momma.

Oh and because you’re from the hood it is frowned upon to press charges no matter how badly you’re hurt. Allegedly you turn to the people in your family that are actually about that life, they’ll handle it. Maybe if I would’ve listened to the cops that night and pressed charges I would’ve saved some time.. but every experience is a lesson.

In 2015 I decided to put this relationship first above everything, I did not have a woman in my life that could guide me because he was what I wanted. In the moments that I spiraled out of control I had no one to hold my hand, even my friends became strangers. Imagine someone telling you that what YOU ARE going through is too much for THEM to handle (boundaries) in return I blindly stuck beside anyone who needed me.

How can you have anyone’s back when you don’t even have yours? We are not taught to support our friends when they are in toxic relationships, we are taught to judge and to murmur amongst each other. A special fuck you to the females that loved to be around me but turned the blind eye.

After this night in which he vowed to never let it happened again, he no longer put his hands on me and we decided to move forward.

Does anyone know what emotional abuse is? In an article written By Sara Makin she goes through the cycle and how to identify abusive behavior

https://www.makinwellness.com/cycle-of-abuse/

Emotional abuse in my definition after some research and personal experience is belittling, constant accusations, isolation, excessive words of hatred but still staying. “You made me say it”, ” You make me angry and I’m not like this with anyone else”. He was correct, amongst my family he changed, my friends thought the trips, the gifts were just delightful.. when we were alone it was a war zone. We literally did not like each other, but claimed to love one another.

When you attempt to leave they’ll promise you the unobtainable , buy you dozen of roses , the world if you ask for it and in two weeks he’ll be too lit to remember the words he scarred on you.

It was a constant reminder of how different I’ve become, I no longer danced, I couldn’t laugh the same, I was defensive and insecure. I couldn’t trust anyone including myself.

Lets rewind a little bit.. The way a MAN speaks about women is something you should pay attention to, the relationship a partner has with there loved ones speaks volumes (of course their are situations in which trauma has happened and things can not be mended..) you can not fix this.. this isn’t charmed , you aren’t Leo and you can not heal them.. there is nothing beautiful about obsessive behavior that is not love, that is possession and the only thing comparably worse is staying to check phones, locations & share passwords .. yuck. If you have to do this, you have to let it go. A unhealed person will always hurt you. They will always blame you, they can call you out your name, treat you like the shit you step on but somehow it will always be your fault.

I began to have a fear of driving due to multiple car accidents and being in the car with an intoxicated individual constantly. I was never reassured but only reminded that everything that happened was also my fault.

I began to change my body, my look what I truly loved about myself based off of insecurities. I was afraid to drink casually because I thought I was the problem. To clarify this a bit more I often acted on defense mode.

Could I have walked away? Perhaps but if I share the text messages maybe you’ll see why I stayed?

I too am to blame during one of the most vulnerable moments in my life I felt alone and I turned the blind eye to the disrespect or as the kids say the red flags  .

I was ashamed so I hid, the saddest part was that no one came looking. I bumped into a few angels it all started in 2017. A woman that I once looked up to was experiencing similar things, I loved her so much I wanted better for her ( it is so much easier to give advice than to take your own advice), the only difference is that she had a reason to live and with every “fight” her light dimmed. Her excuse was that they fought.. ladies the average woman can DEFEND herself however we do not fight grown men it is nearly impossible and here is why, I found this dope article on WordPress breaking down our muscles and interesting facts behind the anatomy. Personally I barley have energy to argue I am NOT fighting a grown man https://femuscleblog.wordpress.com/2020/08/04/krav-maga-experts-do-women-stand-a-chance-against-a-man-in-a-real-fight/amp/

I met a young lady that became my companion almost like a life partner, she nursed my wounds, reminded me without knowing the old me of who I once was and quickly became family, she taught me that time does not have anything to do with the impact we can make in someones life. She visited me while I was at my lowest, at this point I had drifted from plenty of my childhood friend, she even fed me when I was hungry.

I befriended a MUVA independent , head strong ( boy is she hard headed) but she does not settle for less. She made it work on her own and demanded to be treated with respect. I fell inlove with her parenting and her co-parenting, she was extremely raw at first it intimidated me as I grew to know her I understood that sometimes we HAVE to have this attitude.

I realized my sisters were watching me become a sad girl.. which of course include my bestest friends in the world that throughout the years watched me rebuild myself time after time , they new me and I had been a rock for quiet sometime. I leaned in and started showing them what I was going through. These women made a impact in my life, they helped me regain confidence and at no moment did I feel judge regardless of how many times I went back through out the verbal abuse, cheating, arguments they were my rock.

My brother set an amazing example of how I should be treated I avoided him at all cost. He often reminded me that if I wanted to play housewife I should bare minimum have food in my fridge. I cooked, I cleaned, I attended to a child that the moment he got the chance he snatched that away. Never standing up for the years I PUT in.

I started to understand that toxic was not something I labeled myself as, I love peace and he took that away from me.

I took a trip with my college friends and immediately wanted to move, I needed to get away.

He looked me right in my eyes and said “ I’ve been good for the last 2 years” WE HAD BEEN together 6.

I decided to go ghost.. I didn’t want to explain myself , he wouldn’t understand afterall it was my fault anyways, right?

Why does he do it ? “ I wanna start with yo momma she should’ve whopped your ass”. Truth is we teach our girls respect, love, how to cater but our boys are being neglected in the nurturing department. In a article written by “Bonnie fuller” titled “ 8 Heartbreaking Reasons Why Men Hit The Women They Love” ( I would’ve choose a different title but love your work Bonnie) in this article she expressed the common misconception in regards to the anger issues and the reality is there is no anger issue, can you believe that shit? Apparently he might actually love you, but as stated previously it will always be your fault. I shared the link below :

https://www.yourtango.com/200913860/1-reason-guys-beat-their-girlfriends

In our community by our I mean black, brown , and people of color we struggle with accountability. We often use words that are brushed off and then we normalize it ” you’re my bitch” .. no I am not sir. At some point I remember thinking gah damn my momma didn’t even speak to me like this. I decided to never tell my father whom at the time was recently incarcerated. I slowly started asking him questions in third person because something about the behavior being portrayed did not feel normal. Although my father was not an example of a man I wanted to marry I knew that he had enough insight since he too had been an abuser.

Your relationship with your parents matter and it too can reflect on what you tolerate, how you navigate and overall our perception on love.

I felt abused, used, in a constant state of panic and drained.

How do I date going forward? I pay attention, I observe and something I am still working on with my therapist is I cut potential candidates off quickly (shout out to Talkspace) . I communicate my needs, I listen, I learn and if I feel that this doesn’t serve my purpose I leave. The purpose ranges from sex to even just a good vibe. I recently learned that you can feel safe, let your guard down and have fun.. and I decided to take some time off to heal.

I was involved in two incidents of Domestic violence, one that happened briefly and one that lasted far too long. In no way shape of form am I attempting to place blame or to shame any of the individuals involved, I just want to share my story in hopes that I can help yours. Any individuals involved should know that they are free services if you call (800-799-7233) you can even text. Someone asked me if I have any regrets of how I left due to where he is now.. no amount of success can fill a void and for my community there’s no substance in this world that when you come down from will clear the trauma. YOU HAVE TO PUT IN THE WORK.

I forgave him and he forgave me .. funny right ?

There is love within different relationship dynamics , I’ve seen a meme going around.. because I’m back on social media ” I don’t want it if it’s not toxic”.. no thank you I only want it if it is peaceful. The idea that toxic is cute is creating a false narrative to our kids, teens and the young adults in our communities.

Don’t forget that the same way it happened to me it can happen to any one of us. Let me know what you identify as a red flag.. clearly I could use some help.

Love always – Bronxesh

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