fuck that.

When I first thought of this piece I wondered how it would sit with certain folks in my life. It had been sitting in my drafts, thanks to my insomnia I was able to put it out!

Would they be offended? Am I being too transparent ? The simple fact is that they will, that is no fault of my own I have my own burdens to carry I can only help you with yours. After my last event which was a total success, I thought about you guys (my readers) how I’ve abandoned my original ART of simply sharing my experiences. I’ll later breakdown each situation and create a master piece, but for tonight here’s what we got.

” Can someone really be fully transparent?”

” Are you really telling everyone everything?” one of the event goers anxiously asked.

My answer was jaded by my inability to share what happened just two nights before. I wasn’t ready. However I was clear on not being a hypocrite as I sit on this Sunday night contemplating was this all too much to share. It’s not, because this is my therapy. I hope this takes you back to where we originally started, a Bronx girl in her small apartment, smoking and over sharing random details that might be a little cringe.

The truth is I haven’t fully processed anything that has happened because today is the first day of many in which I have time for you.

Turmoil; a state of great commotion, confusion, or disturbance; tumult; agitation; disquiet: mental turmoil caused by difficult decisions. Synonyms: uproar, disorder, turbulence.

The balance in my life became one blurred line. I do not have the time to categorize those things in my life nor did I care to. That takes too much work, can you all just love this version of me? I’m not a fucking chameleon.

My last partner abandoned our bond for the simple fact that I overshared and did not want to “fall in line”. Yikes. This has nothing to do with April but fuck him.

When balancing life somehow the scale broke.

While I was in the mist of it I realized this inevitably would happen. I would no longer be strong and I am okay with it.

People have a problem with me not being ok after they told me it’s weird that I’m always ok so that now that I’m broken I somehow have to unlearn this.

When they say to listen to your intuition, you should, I was constantly dreaming, seeing signs, longing for a void to be filled. I attended church, non stop I was bracing myself for what was to come and that’s the real example of divine intervention. Had I not gone to 5 different churches looking for a home I wouldn’t have been able to take on everything April had to offer. I jokingly reference this as the church tour.

I didn’t question what I was going through, or how I was feeling, instead I embraced it. The agony of even being around and suffering in silence somehow excited me; I remember that high, it was as if I was fighting my addiction again.

Our children

Interestingly enough I saw myself in the youth, I listened to stories that broke me, I remember what I needed at 19. “Those kids are not you” this wasn’t ego driven or to fulfill a inner child desire. This is really gods work.

“You’re an adult” that age without parents, without real guidance is a tricky place to be. No one believes you can do it on your own but no one offers to help. I remember wanting to go to school, work, have fun, but I had to choose. Unfortunately I did not have mentorship to show me how to show up, when to show up and the importance of developing skills that would later assist me in the real world.

50% helped them connect to their culture; 43% took part in community events or offerings with their mentors. 51% helped them acquire academic or school- related skills; 50% helped them acquire job-related skills; • 49% helped them acquire life skills.

What if we show them the truth of what life looks like when you’re still healing through it ? Because life does not get easier for some of us, hardships will always be there , we have to learn how to manipulate the algorithm. Manifestation takes work and dedication.

I had to learn through pain, here I am today. Thrown into a blessing, at first I looked for guidance ” can someone fucking train me?” The experience, I have all the training needed. I am not intimidated by me, so I am not intimidated by them. I taught them what I did because with no job history, no degree I ate corporate America up perhaps it was not six figures, I did odd jobs, odd guys, I knew a different way since I already walked that path. I also understood the importance of those mistakes and acknowledging that these things will happen but you’ll thrive through it.

Developing stories:

This caused a ruckus. No matter how I worded it, no matter how long we sat with the concept, everyone wants to be a part of something even when they have no idea how much work goes into it. Not everything is for everyone, I questioned time and time was this selfish of me but for once I found someone who didn’t think my crazy ideas were nuts instead joined me for the ride. Platonically intertwined.

Bringing the creative out of me is nearly impractical because if you push me any further I minus well become the ART.

There’s no pressure in this dynamic it feels so natural. I feel so free.

& cut.

Just because your heart desires it doesn’t mean you have the ability to handle it. I observed profoundly that people just love to hear themselves speak.

“Softer “: That is what I have to be ,in the eyes of the world I am strong, in my reality I am a waterfall, (not my kewchie) its just that when I look at the water it isn’t given an option but to fall.

I searched the internet for a guide someone whom can be non biased. This was not only wrong but dangerous. I ended up with my sex therapist

I never thought I’d be a 5% but here I am thriving!

I desired him 24/7. In a carnivorous form I wanted to consume him. Any chance that I got I did, using his energies to fuel mine. I over indulge & he gets me high. That was toxic of me. In no shape or form did I require intimacy, but somehow we got there. We didn’t talk about it, it was our secret.

I don’t want to share you with the world, I’m not hiding you from the world I’m hiding the world from you.

Downhill

April went down the hill on several occasions and it steeped into May. I was saddened by the fact that I hadn’t been around for her enough throughout her new experience, but perhaps she knows how much I love her. This situation was not my story to share, I was just a passenger in a wild ride.

My pastor had prepped me for this incident. One day at service he spoke in regards to everyone needing earthquakes. In my non church going ways I thought this mother f***** was a psychic.

Everything happened so strangely , at the peek everything stopped drastically. I can’t even comprehend the pain felt in one room ,the generational pain.

Only one person was fueling me and that wasn’t fair to her. I opened up to everyone around me ended up worse off haha, no but really.

Developing stories:

& somehow when I am no where and everywhere I take up way too much space. My presence is a problem, somehow I became the problem. This translated to a new form of friendship. Those words were hurtful and they stuck to me.

I pride myself on attempting to not judge “everyone judges” welp everyone doesn’t know how to focus on there own life either.

But even when I didn’t judge I was met with… ya guessed it. Judgment.

I am not the root I am the trigger. But what if I am? My eyes and facial expressions are far to telling. I love deeply to a fault, I romanticize everything.

Every time? God that’s draining.

I love, love and it shows up differently every time. I attempt to manage my facial expressions and end up looking constipated.

“Stop being bothered when people take over the room, find your space in that room.””Share that room and if you’re a shining star learn how to make space. “

It was all such confusing advice.

I was then met with the consequences of me giving up two years ago

Even though I helped raise those kids, my intentions were being questioned. In no shape or form would I bring harm to anything I’ve ever nurtured.

It still kills me when people ask what changed? I did.

One day I woke up changed my number 3 times and said fuck this I want to live differently. I no longer want to survive.

Sisterhood looks different over here. I feel safer, loved, heard and respected overall

Softer

Instead of venting that day I had sex with him, everywhere , anyhow possible. I enjoy being on the receptive end of nothing. That is what we are.

The very next day he showed up to my place in fact I have a voicemail to support the facts.

Someone said to me ” I hope you get married and he fills all your boxes”.. I only need him to fill one box (no pun intended) Why are people infatuated with changing my perception on life? I have no intentions of even developing those expectations… what are the boxes and what should I put in them? I have platonic friendships that have lasted through marriages.

I was them bombarded with hate comments, based on my life experiences… are you mad too babe? my bad that I lived through trauma.

I want to feel safe.

& cut

I ran away to be at home, but I missed my people. I enjoyed the children, the noises, the warm sand and the company.

I realized I was being loved properly. Perhaps untraditionally but who makes up these rules anyways?

Beyond my recognition I did not go through anything alone except for that night. To no fault of there own I threw away my clothes, I felt disgusted with myself for allowing anyone to get that close. It wasn’t my fault, I’m left with the burden of sleepless nights, healing which is never ending and recognizing that I am that strong. I just don’t want to be.

While I’m sure I haven’t processed it all, I had to let it out. To my aunties pushing an agenda it’s repulsive. That night would’ve happened anyways.

When I looked around the room I blushed, I felt myself getting moist (I’m working on it)

These two months had nothing on us.

Im re-defining the soft girl era.