“We can survive an outside war but the war within us was what we lost.” – Jancelly Pineda

For the longest time, I feared being judged for my appetite for intimacy. Perhaps that’s because of the environment I grew up in, I never lacked loved . However where I am from being too open about desires came with labels and shame. I am culturally Dominican and Puerto Rican, clearly grew up in the Bronx, and to make matters worse, I have a dad who fathered 26 kids.

So much of who we are in relationships is shaped by our roots , what we were taught, what we feared, what we had to unlearn.

I always wondered if relationships, sexual drives, and commitment issues were genetic. If so, I’m fucked. So I turned to google , apparently it can be passed on through hormones and “indirect” inheritance such as learned behaviors and mental health patterns. In both ends, my parents created a freak of nature.

I was sitting on my couch, scrolling and watching a clip of a podcast and decided to send it to my homegirls for their opinions. What came back was a whole debate  it included love, sex, energy, boredom, cheating, kids, jobs, and intimacy. I was pleased to see so many perspectives.

The good old men vs. women conversation: Is she a cunt? Is he a narcissist? The truth is, we’ll never really know. And maybe we don’t need to. Maybe the question isn’t about keeping score, but about keeping balance. What if, instead of arguing, we shut up and made up?

One of my girls stated that when you’re really in love, you don’t just get “bored” after a few years. That spark doesn’t fade unless it wasn’t love in the first place. For her, intimacy is more than novelty it’s about showing up with the same energy for your partner even as time passes.

Another reminded me that sex is more than just physical pleasure it’s an exchange of energies, a vibration. In a world where sex is easy to get, what we often forget is that real intimacy requires intention. It shouldn’t be led by one partner or forced, it’s a mutual agreement that is spiritual.

One of the most honest truths came from talking about long term relationships. If you don’t work to keep intimacy alive both ways, it dies. That’s when people start straying, when they start cheating. And the reasons aren’t always about attraction, sometimes it’s parenting, sometimes it’s work, sometimes you outgrow each other. . If you’re not open to discussing your growth with your partner, your boredom,  new sexual appetite or your latest desires, are you in the wrong place? Shouldn’t we be open about how we are feeling, our needs, our wants or does that go back to the old school way of thinking, where there are just some things you don’t discuss at home? Yuck. Tradition has a way of dimming chemistry if you let it.

Parenting can completely shift the dynamics of a relationship if both partners aren’t equally engaged. When one person feels like they’re carrying the weight alone, it doesn’t just create stress  it destroys  the connection. Before having kids, the chemistry between a couple can feel effortless. But once the responsibilities of parenting enter the picture, the balance has to be intentional. Love by itself isn’t enough to sustain intimacy. Without teamwork, love can turn into resentment. And resentment is the silent killer.

Then, of course, there’s the 50/50 perspective

“If I have to go to work, cook, clean, and go half on the bills, you can’t ask for shit.” Whew. If I take it back to my roots, I’d say she was correct traditionally, men took care of the expenses and women took care of men. But chile… in this economy, that just isn’t realistic anymore. Studies show that slightly more than one third of couples split household bills equally, while some surveys suggest up to 70% go 50/50 regardless of income differences. Money, like intimacy, is about balance and balance looks different for every couple.

I was shocked to hear that some couples would argue and then just… not have sex, not say “I love you,” or even give each other the silent treatment. If I gave someone the silent treatment, we’d probably never speak again. Maybe it’s my experience, or maybe it’s my hypersexuality, but that would never be an option for me. I’m constantly striving for a better life, carrying the weight of things that have nothing to do with me, I need to be soft at home. I like to be submissive with my man until he asks otherwise, but that only works if we’re equally yoked. To me, that means matching energy, respect, and intention. I can show up soft, open, and loving, but it only works when he meets me there carrying his own weight, showing up fully, and nurturing the connection just like I do. Who is this guy anyways?!

True intimacy isn’t one sided, it grows when the roots are aligned, and that balance is everything. Ain’t nobody fighting 24/7.

All in the same day, I watched my friend give an untraditional TED hood talk where he explained that if a woman hasn’t had sex with her partner for three months, it’s either because she’s “gay” (literally, there’s no way)

He states perhaps she has someone else. This friend often has opinions that flip a switch in me, but I love listening because it gives me insight into what some men are thinking.

At first, I didn’t agree. I didn’t think she was a lesbian, and I still don’t. I thought she was insane for staying and punishing him, because when you punish your partner, you’re punishing yourself too. Shit just gets worse, now yall both mad.

I’ve always stayed too long physically, even if mentally I was gone. I’m not a hold back queen. I haven’t gone long stretches without sex let alone  without a partner, but I learned that absence alone doesn’t tell the whole story.

When he started talking about the psychological effect this might have on men, I leaned in. He might have had a point. Please don’t tell him. And as much as I believe women are often smarter, it reminded me that intimacy isn’t just about how we process it. Men experience neglect differently. Some men don’t feel wanted or needed if there’s no physical touch. Men need to be needed, he said it first.

For many men, sex is tied to desire, self esteem, and relationship satisfaction. For some women, sex is just as important but closely linked to emotional connection, trust, and intimacy. While men generally report higher and more constant desire, both men and women see sexual connection as key to closeness and relationship fulfillment. The difference is in how we desire it.

Let’s go back to the hood TED talk for a second. One of the key points he made was that women use sex as a tool. To me, it circles back to that old school mentality. Give that hole up.

If you’re upset with your significant other, do you sit, talk, and work at it? Or do you prove a point by withholding intimacy, by punishing? 

Personally, I have zero energy to constantly be a bitch. That doesn’t mean I’ll let someone walk all over me  it means if I don’t want you, I’ll walk away. Punishment isn’t love, and love isn’t punishment.

It turns out that facts  back me up. Research shows that the healthiest relationships don’t rely on just sex or affection alone it’s the combination of the two that matters. 

Grown folks who engage in both sexual and affectionate behaviors such as hugging, kissing, and holding hands report stronger satisfaction and stability overall. What’s even crazier is that even when sexual activity is less frequent, couples who remain affectionate  still feel closer and happier.

So no, sex isn’t everything. But affection without sex, or sex without affection, leaves a relationship unbalanced.

When I step back, I realize everyone was right in their own way. Intimacy isn’t one thing; it’s a tree with many roots: love, energy, affection, balance, teamwork. Neglect one, and the whole thing starts to fall apart.

And maybe the lesson is before worrying about whether you’ll lose your partner’s spark, make sure you haven’t lost your own. Keep up with yourself. Continue to fall in love with you. Maybe you wouldn’t put up with so much shit.

The roots of intimacy start within.