I found myself scrambling to list 31 goals for myself. Every year I sit and write what I want the following year to look like but this year felt different. I sat down to do 31 for 31 with almost nothing in my pocket. I needed to feel the grass again, to remember why I loved this work in the first place. And just like that, I received an unexpected bonus from my job.
Won’t He do it.

Not body goals. Not emotional goals. Strictly business, intellectual, career goals.
And then I paused.
Why not body, mind, emotions? Why didn’t those parts matter to me ?

I’m so good at being successful in my arena. I have a career I love, I’m ambitious but humble, I have the best supervisor and the funniest colleagues. They fucking send me to watch the Knicks EVERY YEAR. My passion thrives because it’s my passion not a hobby, not a resume builder. It’s what God built me for. And he repays me in ways I could never predict.

But toward the end of the list, I froze.
What had I actually accomplished?
What did last year’s vision look like?

I looked at Liam from the corner of my eye. I used to want a son maybe my son wouldn’t look like Liam but he would certainly be as sweet. I wanted children in general, to feel what it was like to grow a seed of love in my womb, now not so much. Where did that feeling go?

There I was at my oldest sister’s house a blessing in itself because biologically she’s connected to my other sister, but in 3 days of conversation she cured years of doubt. I needed to be heard.

At my nieces practice she asked one question and I broke down in tears. Mafe looked shocked “I’ve never seen you cry like this before”.

I had been yearning for family, overlooking the one God curated for me to be a part of. I may not have a biological child, but I’ve had years of mothering.
“Angie, you still have time,” is everyone’s favorite line. Ah fuck your timeline.

While anxiously awaiting 30, I sat on a beach in St. Thomas spiraling quietly. My best friend knew it. She annoys the life out of me but she knows me. Quick example: at my birthday party they spelled my name incorrectly I would’ve been in my head for days but she fixed it. Celebrating where I once celebrated had to be perfect.

I made my infamous list of things I had to get done… and here’s what really happened leading up to last year.

Are you ready?

I met the softest side of me. She was sweet, noble, boundary less. In my early 20s I was a force to be wrecked with.

I fell deeper into my passion. I canceled out the noise. If everyone told me not to do something, I challenged myself to do it anyway. I worked alongside a beautiful organization for five years events, workshops, community services, private projects. I learned, connected, made mistakes, and grew.

I supported a campaign and climbed mountains literally and figuratively to show up.
I joined a nonprofit and helped develop it. I fell in love with the work. The youth, the way they reached out to me it let me know I was where I was meant to be.

I allowed God to use me. No ego, no fear. Just divine alignment.

Then there was Puerto Rico which I once thought was my home. I met a young woman, we went to  Manatí I had the honor of supporting a back to school event. That experience changed me.

But that was all career and passion.

Now let’s get personal….

I care so much. More than I ever have.

My first year in my 30s, I fell madly in love with a man. I promised myself I’d only ever fall in love with my craft, my career, my life. But somehow loving him felt aligned. Two peas in a pod. My evil twin. People say love and hate are one step apart, but I don’t feel that. It felt healthy even when it wasn’t.

Friendships shifted.. they intertwined. I isolated just to stop myself from caring too much but , I still cared. I learned people respond to the version you bring out of them, and not everyone gets the same you. So there I was, constantly defending the indefensible because I care to see perspectives.

I reunited with old friends, let go of loose connections, forgave myself for wrong decisions and for constantly trying to see the good in everything.

I had the most freeing sex. Intimate sex, spontaneous sex, mental sex. I came every single time. I explored my womanhood unapologetically. How would I know what I liked if I never tried? But then it stopped. I broke my vagina. I could no longer have sex if the intimacy wasn’t tied to it. I craved it but it wouldn’t happen. I revisited old lovers, new lovers and my body got tense. The only wetness came from my tears of frustration.

I cried. And cried. And cried again. I thought nothing could break me after losing two family members. My famous line was “Nothing else can break me” it became my shield. But that’s not real. We shouldn’t challenge God. He doesn’t punish us but he WILL humble us. I reconstructed a safe space. 

I let go of the pressure of constantly running back to one place. My aunt lives in Puerto Rico, my mother’s oldest sister so I kept returning searching for “home.” But home kept bringing back trauma. So I explored new homes. I discovered a deeper connection with my siblings. Transparency felt safe with Issa.And then there’s my rock, my jelly, we’ve gotten closer than ever. Our friendship feels like leather lounge days.

Taking care of Ava made me feel honored, valued and trusted. My little sister officially a mother of a 1 year old allowed me to love my niece. Thank you.

I was met with plans, support, love, understanding.

My Faith, Evolved

Christianity was once something I obsessed over finding the right place of worship, belonging, proving my love to God. But He already KNOWS what’s up.

I still pop into church when I feel called, but I finally understand that… I am a Christian, I pray, I love, I sin, I give, I honor, I also receive.
Christianity is love in action. It is a contradiction to be a true Christian and not be humble.

I listen to advice, but I study the source. I LOVE studying people. Fun fact: in my notes tab I list very interesting things about the people in my life, each one has their own tab!

Sometimes I ask questions I already know the answers to because I want more perspective. My constant question is:
Is that who I want to be?
My actions aren’t based on others they’re based on who I choose to be.

For years I’ve posted my articles, and the other day I found myself thinking “ damn why tf they not reposting my shit”. I had to check myself.

I asked God to remove that sentiment from my heart.

I don’t want to see your path. I need to see mine.

I’m learning that at this stage in my life, I will always be a student not of friends, institutions, or even family but of life.

So here we are, if we are keeping scores..

Angie — 0
Thirty WON.