Do you remember when I taught you how to masturbate?
Relax that’s a joke. Kind of.

But no seriously.

To no one’s surprise, things have changed since then. Spoiler alert: I’m still flicking the bean.

I thought my sex drive would disappear after a series of horrendous relationships. Perhaps me, my cat and my vibrator was all I really needed.

I explore my sexuality safely, intentionally, and on my own terms.

At some point, I started having conversations with a friend who suggested sex therapy.
Before we get there, let’s rewind.

After one of my many breakups, I began frequenting play clubs. Yes, they are legal when they’re private, consensual gatherings. 

They sometimes run under memberships, invite only, sometimes application based, rules ARE clearly enforced.

And no, a play club isn’t exactly what you’re picturing.

There are levels. Some require recent STI results. Some are more about energy and environment than action. Some are strictly social. For me, voyeurism became an entry point.

Picture this.

Low lighting. Music humming just beneath conversation. Bodies close but not colliding. I learned that I enjoy the idea of others pleasing each other for my pleasure. Watching.

 Lingering. Taking it in. Not literally lol.

What I didn’t realize at the time was that I was missing intimacy.
We’ll get there.

One experience stands out, which is when my ex boyfriend and I attended together. He immediately shunned me. We argued nonstop. Not because I participated, but because I initiated the outing. That distinction matters.

There’s a lot of misinformation about alternative sexual lifestyles, especially swinging. Houston Relationship Therapy published an article addressing common myths, (this means it’s NOT real) and two stuck with me

“Couples who swing believe cheating is okay.”
That couldn’t be further from the truth. In consensual non-monogamy, boundaries, rules, and communication are non-negotiable. If there’s unresolved insecurity, this lifestyle won’t hide it, it will expose it quickly.

People who swing are sex addicts. That’s unfactual. If you’re able to separate emotion from action with intention and consent, that doesn’t equal addiction. And if you can’t separate the two, that’s a different conversation altogether.

One fact I’ll always stand on, swinging should never be used as a tool to save a relationship. AND SHOULD ALWAYS be consensual.
Most couples who explore it are already stable. They’re not trying to repair something broken, they’re looking to enhance something that already works.

And here’s where the facts back up what many people refuse to say out loud SEX matters.

Pleasure isn’t frivolous it’s biological. Regular, fulfilling sex has been shown to reduce stress, support heart health, and improve overall wellbeing. Desire keeps the body regulated, connected, and alive. In more ways than one, intimacy is medicine!!! Studies of men found that those who cum more frequently about 21+ times per month had a lower risk of prostate cancer compared to those who came less often. Get that nut out.

For women, a functioning sex life and frequent orgasms are tied to lower stress, stronger immunity, and better pelvic health, hinting that pleasure may be part of living well, not just feeling good. The more she nuts the less she’ll fuss. Go ahead and fuck.

I did research guys, I’m not just writing. It shows that roughly 30–44% of people who cheat have sexual dissatisfaction, lack of frequency, lack of passion, or feeling undesired. Don’t just lay there, participate. Nearly 40% also report emotional disconnection from their partner. Those two things are rarely separate. When intimacy is neglected, avoided, or never discussed, resentment has room to grow. Go ahead and give that hole up. Not everyone cheats because they’re reckless many cheat because they’re starving and don’t know how to name it.

Earlier today, while sitting at a bar, someone approached me. I wasn’t interested but the phrase “closed mouths don’t get fed” stuck with me.
If you’re starving, communicate if you have a large appetite COMMUNICATE.

That’s why consensual exploration and betrayal are not the same thing. One avoids the truth. The other forces you to confront it.

I was influenced by an article written by Vanilla Swingers, who speak candidly about jealousy because yes, jealousy will show up. The difference is how it’s handled. Communication and comprehension are everything.

Don’t be vanilla in the bedroom,ho.

Eventually, I did start sex therapy.

What I learned surprised me: I don’t have a problem. I’m not an addict. (Wooohoo.)
BUT I did learn is that my hypersexuality is connected to events in my life. If you’ve read Five Minutes, add that to the trauma bucket.

We unpacked it all. And what became clear was this, I wasn’t craving multiple partners.
I was craving one intimate partner to explore not to explore with just to explore.

I have no issue going months without sex. I once went nearly a year without another person’s touch. I masturbated so no, I wasn’t celibate but I wasn’t interested in letting no one touch my kewchie.

My sex life took an unexpected turn when I finally felt safe.

There was nothing I couldn’t share with my partner because trust had already been built. I realized he thought something was wrong with him, shit here I am thinking something was wrong with me. The truth was simpler we were learning our bodies in real time. Sometimes that meant intensity. Sometimes it meant stillness. Sometimes it meant aftercare, breathing, and holding each other after the moment passed.

This wasn’t performative, at times it showed up in social settings, I couldn’t hide it.
This was happening in real time.

And then… the sex.

Not rushed, attentive, really studying my body, whew.

The kind of sex where your body doesn’t tenses it opens.

YUP. He had me open.

Where pleasure lingers instead of burning out. Remember knowing your partner’s body matters more than chasing an ending. He masturbated me better than I did myself.. yes.

What made it even sexier?
The respect.

Afterward, we always reconnected. Time disappeared. I felt wanted everywhere we went. Desired without question.

That certainty gave me permission to be fully myself in the bedroom, in random places, in small touches, where want didn’t need explaining. And yes, it happened often.

And that’s when I understood: it was never about being “too sexual.”

It is about being with the right person for me.

Open up to yourself so you can be open with your partner. I LOVE a pretty, sexy pj it can be as simple as that.

Explore the fantasy, play cops and robbers. Shit take his money tie em up get creative and leave them there. Just kidding.

Get rid of the routine, surprise him/her/they/ if I’m missing one, my apologies. Listen to the desires of your partner before fully committing because when you ask questions you’ll receive answers.

My final piece of advice is to explore what you want,need and desire. we are all multi layered. Remove the shame, If you take the time to you might be in for the ride of your life (no pun intended).