This one is a rollercoaster.

I sat at a cawfee shop (how I would say it) for what felt like hours, getting lost in thought, maybe there’s a war going on, are two friends of mine fighting for this nation?

Are we in a recession? Or is it just me?

No one seems to care.

The hum of the espresso machines, the cups, the smell of burnt caramel in the air, it all made my mind wander even further. 

Where the fuck am I ? I’ve been everywhere and nowhere, again.

Thinking about my dad, my siblings… life is dragging, I needed to get lost. I’m directionally challenged, so I did. 

Always in my own world, even when ours collide.

A sign greets me: “I’ve never created for anyone but you.” 

Are you a destroyer of things that no longer serve you purpose? 

Across the room, an untamed man types furiously on his laptop, he had on a funny beige cap. I can tell he’s annoyed, he must be a regular. 

I walk up to the counter and see a familiar face. He looks like my sisters. His aura is beautiful, focused, annoyed, yet undeniably alive. 

How long did it take him to get this place in order? 

To arrange it so precisely, yet let the chaos of the world in? 

I wrote two pages of my thoughts, and when I looked down, it almost sounded like a poem. 

I laughed to myself. I am not a poet.

For weeks since my hiatus, the words floating in every conversation around me are: 

• expectations
• jealousy
• love bombing
• pillow talking

I couldn’t focus on any of those because I’ve been both the happiest and the saddest I’ve been in a while.

I hate being realistic. As I said in Hatching Dreams, I am a dreamer of all things. I manifest. I see the good in the bad, and there’s power in that. 

I read a piece by Deborah Lau:

“The brain is not static; it is shaped by repeated thoughts, behaviours and emotional experiences. These techniques can therefore activate motivation and reward pathways, reshape neural circuits through neuroplasticity, and prime the brain for goal directed action.”

Manifest the goal, the love, the dream. Manifest theee lifestyle you want, the body, manifest whatever bullshit you on. It’s YOUR life. And stop listening to bitter people. That’s not your experience. Not with them, not with the world and not with yourself.

Expectations should be inward, standards are outward. 

When we place expectations on others, we’re trying to control something we can’t, their behavior, timing, maturity, healing that’s theirs to own. DO NOT Place them on yourself. 

Only expect yourself to uphold your own standards.

For example: you ain’t got a car, no job, no housing, no hobbies, no goals and you expect someone to come in with all of that? You’re looking for a saver, a parent, not a partner.

Jealousy is human. It’s what we do with it that becomes ugly. I’ve fallen so deeply in love with me that jealousy is manageable. Even at my ugliest I love me. It’s similar to manifesting, I question it until I get to the root. When you feel jealous, look at yourself first.

Where is this feeling coming from?

What am I missing that I want what I see?

Can I communicate to eliminate jealousy?

Love bombing… urgh. The people on Instagram started using the word, and now everyone runs with it. PLEASE Google it. I heard a friend say they felt love bombed, and I was confused. 

Did they feel their emotions were invalidated? We’re all entitled to how we feel. Love bombing is a manipulative tactic, but what if you like the person, they like you back, the first few months hunching till you’re sore, Chemistry exists, and then maybe it fades. You’ve exited the honeymoon phase.

Is that love bombing? Maybe not. I disagree with how casually we throw the term around.

Let’s address pillow talking. 

Men talk more than bitches  these days, apparently. (Drake said it first, and I am here to confirm)

I don’t pry into other people’s lives unless it’s directed at me. If we’re having casual conversation, why are you asking about someone else while we’re in bed? 

The pillow talking thing is only effective out of concern. Not when its damaging.

Sharing everything with a partner only works when you’ve found your best friend and that doesn’t include your friends business. Share YOUR business.

And then I get hit with an outrageous line in the middle of an outpour of my emotions

”It’s like renting a room from a stranger and finding out they never paid the rent.”

Why are people like this? For once can we just be fucking direct.

I just don’t think that way. I don’t prepare for the worse. I live for the present moment. I found myself praying everything would align for everyone, so maybe I could get… a moment. 

Still, I remain faithful to my belief that this mfer didn’t listen to a damn thing I said. Instead I received projection.

I compared this to a child I once took care of, no matter what she ended up back home. I fussed, I cried, I fought and still ended up with the same result. I didn’t give up I gave in, I let shit flow.

Until one day I finally drew a line that couldn’t be crossed.

So again there I was, everywhere and nowhere.

I glanced up at my favorite jacket, there it was alone waiting for me to put it on.

It’s your skin to live in, only you know how it feels. Everyone else has their perception, and that’s theirs to hold. Block out the noise, so you can hear your own thoughts. The hum of the shop, the click of the keys, the aroma of coffee it all faded when I focused inward.